Oblivion Recorder

Just like with silent priests walking through the spacious empty halls of the basilica, sepulchral choirs echo in language lost long ago.

Perhaps even in the wake of the oblivion of memories, they still have been recorded, for that is the nature of things. Most things, anyway. Like how 'Big Brother is Watching You' is achievable with such devices. There is a point to it that there does exist something that records things only too well - the mind. And the body that is connected to that mind is a person, who remembers.

And if the music of life changes and by extension the mood? I might go cynical. I might start calling out on the ridiculous things around me.

World Literature - Hedda Gabler

I.
A gun is always ominous on stage.
So when you pulled out your revolver—all black and white
like they always are,
the rounds slipping into the cylinder
like eyes into the sockets of skulls—I thought, good lord! I’m going to die

We are all going to die
by, at least, act four.

II.
You only put it to my lips,
lifting away each tooth.

I saw your hair tangled up in the branches in the sky,
And you were calling me Hedda again
“you stone cold bitch, you animal,
you, you,”
stuttering, slurring, I am choking and realizing
how unsatisfying it is to have your mouth around the barrel.

Hedda, Hedda

III.
You are the stag shaking fruit out of the tree
with your horns,
those wreath-wound-wild antlers.

IV.
I am never the hunter, but this time,
you have given me the blindfold, the curtain threatening to come down
and I am tying the eyes of the stag
and you are asking for the gun.

I want so much for you to succeed, I want
so much
for you to be, but the gun is going off and the curtain is down
and everybody has to take their bows.

This is NOT MY POEM. From: http://basalganglia.deviantart.com/art/Hedda-35248958

My love for the world of literature and the arts is strange indeed. I enter a world of catharsis, where tormented geniuses flee to by means of their work. Here i am doing world lit. I don't ever mean to say I hate the works, rather I like them for the catharsis I feel when reading them (even though I never wrote them).

Hedda's problem is that although she looked up to Lovborg and the way he lived his life free without caring what others thought of him, she has always been too paralysed by fear of scandal to follow his example. Eilert Lovborg was a Dogged Nice Guy to Hedda before he fell in love with Thea Elvsted. Hedda supplies a tweaked example however: she got married to George Tesman instead, who is incredibly stupid (in a social and emotional sort of way), and thus, for her, the wrong guy. She gets some severe Unresolved Sexual Tension with both Eilert (actually the right guy and the one of her dreams. But he got together with Thea instead.) and Judge Brack (the even wronger guy). Because she has never controlled her own life, she seeks to control others - or at least to sabotage their control over their own lives out of spite. This is why she ruins Lovborg's life, and why she is so horrible and domineering over everybody else. In the end, Eilert accidentally shoots himself (in the groin, and then he died.) and Hedda becomes implicated by Judge Brack for the fact that she gave Eilert the pistol. Upset and forced into a corner when Brack threatens to expose her involvement in Lovborg's death and cause a public scandal. And Hedda is dreadfully afraid of being involved in such a scandal. And that is why she eventually kills herself (blowing her brains out with a revolver), when Brack forces her into a corner. She shoots herself, not because she doesn't want to sleep with him, but because she doesn't want to be forced to do anything.

Somehow, I could see myself as Judge Brack. All this talk of his relationship with Hedda... He is like a convenient rook piece to her, where she can castle within for security, and on a whim send him out on her tasks. For the most part, Brack had no objections to being a plaything of her, but later his ulterior motives start to show. Brack had hinted that however he wanted to establish a triangular relationship with Hedda.

From Act 2:

Brack: (hears the front door open and shut) The triangle is completed.

Hedda: (half under her breath) And the train goes on.

Here goes a little passage from Act 3:

Hedda: (looks at him and smiles) I see. You want to be the cock of the walk.

Brack: (nods slowly and lowers his voice) Yes, that is my aim. And I shall fight for it with - every weapon at my disposal.

Hedda: (as her smile fades) You're a dangerous man, aren't you? When you really want something.

Brack: You think so?

Hedda: Yes, I'm beginning to think so.

But more so I can identify with Hedda. She has had little or no control of her life, in the sense that she is a person with many fears. She does not dare to step into Eilert's romantic world, which is truly what she desires yet she fears leaving the security of the world that she is most familiar in when she was brought up. She is a person stuck in the limbo of times and ages and choices, and the closest she can get to feel alive is to live out her romantic dreams through observing other poeple around her, and she subtly manipulates them into doing so if they are not as easy to convince. But everything falls apart for her - and she lifts a loaded revolver to her head and blows out her brains.

Romantic somehow. A dark beauty in the sight... Ahh, i can identify so much... Even right down to the whole revolver to head thing and the blood spattered mess on the furniture...That bit showed up in my dreams... Such an end are what my fears and insecurities will turn into...

I guess i knew from the start that I wouldn't be able to overtake you, yes you, the one in my vision. They all said: "You can't fight fate..."

I have fought, and how I have failed. But I am tenacious. It's part of my personality and I am not given to giving like that.

But it goes to having to say again:
I guess i knew right from the start that I wouldn't be able to overtake you, yes you, the one in my vision. I cannot do with the sparks and charges, rather I can only leave you a prayer that you can and will keep. Let none else pass through to what is coveted.

I never wanted to do any of this. And if things are to stay the way they are, then no one will ever be happy. If there is to be all the talk of the greater good and selflessness, then i will do it and do it beautifully. Since there is no more but ruin set up for me... I will have to make it beautiful. Just kiss me and leave the gun in my hand. I will make the bloody mess of brains on the wall myself.

I am more fearful than anyone can try to fathom. I don't know what there is to turn to. And in the end... Only General Gabler's daughter.

Full Cycle

2 years.

2 years ago, i was left in a daze. I remember being spaced out and basically doing a crap job. and then the seer found out too. but he's a seer for a reason. not to break into people's minds, though. bad reason that one. That self i remembered - myself in the current is no comparison to him from 2 years ago. Seemed quite like someone who belonged to the world of darkness. And here comes Jason Conrad with his motifs.

a year later, i did not yet know what was yet to happen. i remember having a dream quite a long time ago, before. I never knew the identity, or at least never made the connection. the frame i saw in that dream would be the frame that i would see.

Now, its just some cycle to me. Might have to do with going back to school. Might have to do with my choice of novel title: Gyre.

Living a normal life up till a certain age... My mind is hazy... I feel like I've been simply watching a long dream. I whisper to the person in my dream...

"...indulge my selfishness..."

Eternally

The panels are read from right to left. It's well-drawn and has a good plot. I really like this one, copyright Gaku Gaku Animal Land for it.
http://www.freewebs.com/aortic/tsukihime.htm






























Our favorite curry-loving sempai Ciel exits stage right... I know how she feels to lose out like that, and its really sad... And she's nice, albeit she is quite the yandere in this strip... I thought it very appropriate... It's part of my personality.

she could have pwnt Arc, by the way...

destiny will tell...

"Where there is distress, therein lies a story.
Where there is a story, therein lies a will.
... And wherever there is a will, therein lies a soul."
Evangeline Athanasia Katherine McDowell

Give me a subject combination i dont want, see how much I put my heart and soul into it. Take That.

I have always thought of myself as mad, but the madness within actually changes over time. Back then, I was a different kind of mad. When was the last time i was the more chaotic neutral, Type B "does whatever the hell he likes" mad fiction-maker? Perhaps only one of you knows... outside of me, that is. I miss the old Attack Hellos I gave. I got on peoples' nerves, true, but I enjoyed it. I was anarchic as ever and loved it. The time when I was the shipper on deck, and not the shipped. Cheshire cat grin on scary shiny INSANE black eyes behind glasses... just so distant in the past. So much of a doer, but undone in the end. Is there a call for me to jump at? Or would I even want to jump at the call?

All in all, the old, mad fictionier is now gone... What remains is so little compared... just the love of tea, and the sketchbook aches and longs for the day i will return to it... as the Imperial Master of Graphics and Fiction-making. It's not showing off... but the thing I loved most about my own world was that I was really such - an emperor of sorts.

At last, the old streak of spontaniety is gone... and if I could do whatever the hell i like... and return to those brighter days... I would be so happy.

For freedom is freedom in its most literal sense. At least only form the undesirable bad things in life. Freedom from slavery, from thralldom, from oppression, from logic, from evil yokes...

If this does so, for obtaining the goodness and happiness of Temperentia, Sapientia, and the abundance of the Orient:

"A prayer is something overflowing with the good news of the future."
-Kara no Kyoukai

my selfish.

It's so strange that I find myself doing this. And for how long already?
8 months, and 8 months too long it is.

Well, if it is what you say it is, then I too might take it as such. taking a quote from Tohsaka Rin, then yeah, i would agree that it is true...

Well then, I too have wishes, and a list of them, no less. But I do expect some people to slam me down for making such wishes, saying its selfish of me. Well so i am selfish after all, just because I want my lot in life.

1) Tsun. Dere.
2) Real dreams, for just once would still be great anyway.
3) Better subjects, and by extension grades.
4) A tanto
5) That I wouldn't even to have to make wishlists.

I'd like to watch the princess bride...
Old show, but classic. Made of awesome.

"Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die."

"As you wish..."

My undying gratitude to whom may help fulfil even one item on my list.
My undying gratitude undying just as some other aspects...

Kara no Kyoukai.

Kara no Kyoukai is a novel (later adapted for 7-parter movie series) by Kinoko Nasu of Type-Moon fame. He's done a really good job, considering that traditional novels have to be three times as exciting to compare with that of a visual novel.

Some people do ask why I like it. Well, to put it short, it's awesome.
I actually watched it only after reading the genre tag on it: romance.
It's got a dark setting and environment, true, but welcome home juxtaposition!
The darker the shadows are, the brighter the light is.

And the music... Kalafina ftw! And this I safely say that the soundtrack is Kajiura Yuki's magnum opus.



Feel very free to listen. It sounds sepulcheral at first, but by 2:00 it will be the most beautiful thing to grace your ears. The music that plays grandly when a couple, through all odds, find their happiness in one another.



"I'm won't ever let you go."
- Mikiya to Shiki

Just heartwarming.

p.s.

Ryougi Shiki... did somethings pretty nasty (justified though, lucky Mikiya). And she's a girl.
Looking at proportions...

Murder Study 2

Well, got it at last, subs and all.
watched it this afternoon, and I cried thrice. It's quite sad, some parts...
Nevertheless, never failed to disappoint. Epic as the rest, yet with the most psychological character development and romantic development.
And the hardcore romantic that is me just has to go watch it.

Yay Rakkyo!!!
and awwwwww....












And the theme song, likely intended to be from Shiki's point of view:
seventh heaven by Kalafina

utatte hoshii
shizuka na ai no kotoba
nai teitanoha
anata noseijanakute
yoru no nakani kie te itta
awayuki ni wakare wo tsuge tano

yami no naka kara kiko eta mune no kodou ga
yatto itami wo watashi ni oshie tekureta
o kono kizu ni kuchizuke te
hakanaku fureau yubi wo
hanasa naideite
zutto

konnani akaru i sekai he
kimi ga watashi wo tsure te kita
mabushiku te mabushiku te
nanimo mie nai
hikari no naka

tsuyoku dakishimeteite
kogoe ta toiki wo wake ai
anata to watashi no
nagori no yuki ga toke te

soreha yume noyouna
hibi no naka
anata ga waratteru
soredakedeii
o tada soba ni iru kara

mou hitori janai
zutto
futari de iku
mahoroba

utatte hoshii
kimi no boku no
yoru no asa no

umi no
sora no shirabe

and translations:

I want you to sing
The quiet words of love
Why I cried
Wasn't because of you
But that you announced our parting in the light snow
That was vanishing into the night

The heartbeats of a chest that I heard from within the darkness
Finally taught me of pain
Please kiss my wounds
Please don't let your fingers
That touch me briefly leave me
Ever

You brought me
Into a world this bright
It's too glaring, it's too glaring
I can't see anything
Within the light

Please embrace me tightly
Share our frozen breaths
Melt the snow that remains
In you and me

It's that within
The dreamlike days
You're laughing
I'm fine with just that
Because you're simply by my side

I'm not alone anymore
Forever
We'll go together
To Arcadia

I want you to sing
Your, my
The night's, the morning's

The sea's

The sky's tune

Happy days for Shiki and Mikiya...
Awwwwwwh.....
warm, fuzzy feeling even if i'm not so happy here...
I'll just dream then...

...and nothing heart - ...not nothing heart

Thank you TakaJun!

Subs! Subs! Subs!

Sigh... I heard murder study 2 is very very sad....
sigh...
love hurts, its true.
Love hurts worse than a knife in your eye, worse than losing a thumb, worse than losing an arm, worse than losing a leg, worse than being stabbed in the chest, worse than all the above combined. and I'd do all that for love that doesnt hurt. sadly so... not so much the fair trade for me.

Kizuato

Ever the historian, I was doing the usual text study, but apparently careless me missed out, or plain forgot some things.

And how i laughed. Not the hearty laughter that I hear too often, and have too little of. Sardonic, self-deprecating laughter at the irony.

To scream Ho Yay!
To qoute half a title by Dan Brown,
-only to disappear.
Coming to terms with several differences,
Making a strong stand,
And how justly is the reward given.
And then, an attempt to reach out...
Things are fine... but another conflict comes.
And for safety's sake, voluntary exile.
And people question their domestic choices, and the dream i once had goes to oblivion.
A cornered rat does not go down without a fight.
Lash, and the hand is bitten thus.
An uneasy peace exists, not only in my own home but others.
Squick. More squick. Why so? Has it been so long? Why wont it stop!?!?!?
And a nightmare i hope will never see.
But, even as I saw the turn so long ago, I see a possible redemption...

I do not know, after all people do change, in more ways than some thought possible.

I don't like weak people.
I don't like sick people.

7

T'is serenity most unnatural, because it is felt by me. A beautiful smile indeed.

T'is only me and me only, for i am different from he. For i am i, thus no one will help me for a fifth of a flower and a seventh of a person, both beautiful nevertheless. The favour (or lack thereof) is returned. But who is to care?

Come pray with me...
In the Garden of Sinners...
Come repent with me...